I have discerned the meaning of life.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-12-27T00:40:00

2006-12-27T07:40:32Z

Considering that tomorrow is Armin, Thursday is packing, Friday is driving, Saturday/Sunday/Monday is winnipeg, and Tuesday is driving.... I may as well do this now.

[quote]where would i like to be in one year?

1 jr. network admin, or back in school.
2 2006 eclipse with a custom computer wired in, full box.. www.mp3car.com
3 playing live gigs with the band
4 just a little bit more versed in the areas that i'm so damn interested in.
5 175 lb, squat 300, BP 225, DL 325
6 IN A MUTUAL, FULFILLING, MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP.[/quote]

well. 1) is a bit off. 2) changed with my liquidation of most material goods and learning what actually matters. 3) did happen only to finish when i moved. really the only thing i miss about saskatoon. 4) has really progressed i feel. 5) 175 is impossible without anabolics. training has went in other directions than the compound movements, and i am currently happy with the progression. 6) is one hell of a story.

Another year of immense personal growth and dozens of defining moments/events. I truly couldn't be much happier right now. Did another cross-country move, and for no idea how long. Landed a solid job, and work a secondary (and third.. i guess.. haha) which will allow me to put away some solid cash towards my future endeavours. Whether that will be another cross-country (or global) move, travel, school or any combination therein is what still remains to be seen. This year included three moves, connect, shambhala, winnipeg, first relationships, career growth, and so many things i can't even remember right now....

Priorities have not changed too much, but the percentage that they play for me has. I'd just as happily sit at home and read as go out and get whatever with whomever. There's always time for both.

[quote] money can't buy you happiness, but it sure as hell buys you freedom[/quote]

can't remember if that's mine or another's, but it's one i've come to agree with.

Another thing i've really started to do is help others. Whenever i get a distress call i do everything i possibly can in that situation; however, i've also realized that - in some situations - there is nothing you can do. True happiness and will and can only come from within. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself, no matter how hard you try.

Living here is sure different with so much to do. It truly is not what i expected, in neither a good nor a bad way. Certain relationships have dissolved into near-nothingness, while others have flourished blindly. I still long to live solo, but economically (long-term) it just isn't worht it at this point.

I can only think of 2-3 days in the entire year that I honestly felt negatively. I attribute it to many things... including, but not limited to:

1) independence. as i've spoke about before, events of my earlier years really melded my inner self, as it does anybody's. i don't put too much thought into things when they don't work out, i just leave them be or go. although it sounds conceited i can't think of many people stronger inside than i am.

2) endorphin / dopamine release both naturally and induced. intense physical activity, food, sex and chemicals. lots of research on these areas has allowed me to bring them into play whenever necessary. Certain government-classified "drugs" can open doors that you would never even think of, and when used in moderation can be nothing but a good thing. My entire psychological turnaround started at the same time i started hitting the gym, and in no way is that coincidence.

3) First real 'relationship'. After 20-odd years, a blast from the past that i had completely forgotten has really paved a different path than expected. The connection that there is now is something that neither of us has been through before. Although it may put strain on #'s 1 and 2, at this point it is more than worth it; as what is life without love.

Many different waves of thought this year, from neuroscience and dreams to politics to music to psychedlics. The interconnection of dreaming/consciousness is something that seems to be an underlying theme in many matters i find interest in, and i wonder if a continuation of that will lead my future endeavours. For now, I will continue to "be" and let things play out as they will; for the last couple of years, this philosophy couldn't have treated me better.

Such a choppy entry but it's tough when you have 5-6 different threads of though going through your head at once. Oh well, when i look back at this one year from now I'll know exactly what i meant.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-12-24T02:37:00

2006-12-24T09:43:19Z

muha !

what's new what's new... working 60+ a week again, and with my other PT jobs *snicker* am making way more cash than i know what to do with

typical m-f day: up at 7, work at 730 till 4, work 5 till 930, gym till 11, home, read, sleep, repeat

armin vanbuuren on the 27, i pretty much got the last ticket left in the city....

then to wpg dec. 30/31 for kristoff @ nye.. and giftmas of course. whatever exists between kayla and i at this point is something that i have not felt before. she's probably moving here in april.

i don't even care that i didn't go out this weekend, i was able to devour a pair of books - one that summarizes every religion in the world so hopefully my knowledge is broadening in that regard - and got maybe 10% of my 1500 movies copied to HD (which is my goal so i can have the home theater streaming wirelessly on demand with zero optical disks). i'll have over a terabyte of movies when that's over and i'll need to set up raid for fault tolerance

DB pressed 70's for the first time, crushers are going up, and my squat is a consistent 205 for reps with decent form.... there is much more cutting showing as well, with what little fat i have left melting off...

all i need to do now is find a place in a city with 0.6% HOUSING VACANCY

fuck life rules

WHO'S WITH ME

YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWW

wknd

2006-09-12T04:50:45Z

So much went on last weekend.. where to start ..

2.5 hour interview at the warranty depot, after a rough start it went OK and my second is this week.

On Fri. Potter and I went out to kananaskis, what a beauty of a course. too bad i didn't deserve to be out there, the way i played. when the best part of your game is your sand play, there's going to be trouble. Wanted to hit up freq after, but ended up talking to kay for two hours on the phone instead.

Saturday (and the continuation until sleep) was one of the most eventful stretches I've had in a long time. Woke up and cleaned and applied for a few more jobs. Hit the gym, booked my consultation for today. After supper, had a few drinks with the boys.. tossed the football and disk.. then off to supper with kelly. was nice to catch up a bit and i gained more of a sense of where we were at, which was pretty much as i expected. After supper we headed off to the .. trapngill? to get the drink on.. which we did to the tune of five pitchers and whatever else. Played a bit of pool. Before leaving Kel and I had a bit more of an indepth chat, where everything became clear.. things as they are but not for the reasons i thought. So i guess it's my fault again, but that goes along my destiny of fucking anything important and meaningful up, one way or another. Can't thank her enough for being straightforward and telling it as it is - in my experience <10% of people would actually do that and it puts her way up in my books.

Phase II of saturday [nearing sunday] was at the cherry, where we decimated four pints each in a matter of >1 hour. Sure wasn't driving home. owned two pieces of pizza from a random spot, and went tot he jeep. potter kept walking. we left without the guy as he lost himself.. only to return home four hours later when we were on a completely differnet wavelength. not the best idea after alcohol. kicks self. the ___ + ____ brought four hours of laughter were followed by a saunter to the park to watch the sunrise from different angles. Transients came by and i immediately left to a hillside to prevent conflict. Jen and potter were somehow transfixed by the dudes, but if i had kept around them it would surely have ended in a scrap as the bullshit those crackheads were spewing was too much for me to keep my sarcastic mouth shut. So good decision on my part. Eventually we headed back to the house, where Jen and I chilled and just discussed things for a good 2-3 hours. Describing the ebb and flow of everything and actually understanding the mutual communication. One of the best mind-body separation talks i've ever had.

After finally falling asleep for two hours sunday afternoon, woke up feeling great. BBQ'd @ sting's house and watched SNF, colts won but my sports selects were just off - stupid dallas. Oh well, what better way to spend a sunday than chilling with the guys, having a beer_steak_veggie extravaganza.

Today was chill as well, ending with a near-blackout in the gym . That's one hell of a circuit/superset that josh is running me through.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-08-15T22:15:00

2006-08-16T04:14:35Z

bye vacation.

arrived wednesday at 8 pm after a 13 hour drive. waited in line until 2, only to be waved through. what a downer to start. let alone the fact that we were travelling with a schizophrenic, never again. slept in my bag outside of the tent, too tired to set it up.

awoke thursday, packed up the stuff and drove on into the main site. started walking around a bit, then went back to look for the car - only to find it moved. walked around for three hours finding the thing. thanks schizo, much appreciated.

from then on, things were great. found asha and set up shop in a beautiful area up in the trees, about 40 feet from the treeline. unpacked everything. bust out the frisbee, tossed a bit, wandered the sites. put up a few messages on the board which all worked out in the end . spent the evening dancing in the rock pit - it really gave me a hawaiian cabaret type feel. perhaps it was the psylo. sobiet union didn't impress me much. set the stages on this night for multiple happenings throughout the rest of the weekend. also, rain .

woke up friday and cleaned out the tent. after most moisture was gone, we went and tossed the disk a bit more. went wandering around solo for a few hours, met a lot of people. depending on personality, i offered them the terrorstorm dvd that i had made a ridiculous amount of copies of. gave out around 8-10. Donated around $150 to the food vendors on the weekend... a bit excessive but i don't think i dropped any weight, as i did last weekend. Friday evening was very interesting to say the least, mitch and i ended up dividing our time between ewok and mainstage. i think we overdid things, but it WAS a vacation. It was quite cold until everything kicked in, at which time (not sure exactly..) there was debaucherous dancing with some beautiful ladies. had to call in mitch for reinforcements, was glad to see the guy have fun. had to go off for a few minutes - i told mitch to stay, but lost the guy. four more hours of wandering was followed by two multivitamins + 2 5HTP and three hours of sleep.

woke up feeling like i'd slept for 12 hours. tossed the disk, visited the saskatoon site with PW?/john/jake and company. went swimming, went lyserging, watched sphongle (impressed), and wandered around from approx. 4-8 meeting people and thinking.. lots of reciprocity such as the mountains and their similarity to sine waves, and fibonacci. stopped by ferrari and another cgy site i found. Also met up with sandra, talking with her for twenty minutes brought me more... intrigue? no.. i guess just general thoughts and questions...than hours of conversation i would have with most. i feel like i could talk to her for hours and she would actually understand - i can't remember the last time that happened. went back to the site and for some reason i ended up explaining to asha how evolution worked. she's the last person i would expect to have asked me about science. fell asleep from 8-2 AM, thus commencing my rest for the weekend.

Woke up just in time for hive, went and watched in teh village. It was alright but i felt his set at sambuca back on 4/29/05 was better. suprised i can remember that far back. Wandered around for the evening until the dawn hit, at which point i met some of the people i had met on thursday, so went back to their site and chilled out.

hope wrote:
this music just doesn't stop, i'm going fucking insane

maybe you shouldn't pump so many drugs into your system?
the best quote of the weekend, apart from the full body douche and crrroob.

wandered back to the site in the am, grabbed some eats, then realized that it was sunday. was fairly excited to see hallucinogen, so the day went by quite slowly. played frisbee all day, chilled in the river, and spent most of the night up front @ the portal with a bit of time in the PACKED forest. so impossible to find anyone. stayed up all night and packed, went and checked on dan/kelly who had become sick that night (food posioning?), and talked with kelly a bit before packing up and heading home.

see you next year.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-08-08T14:42:00

2006-08-08T20:41:48Z

Oy.

Arrived thursday after a long, dark trip. Set up camp in kanukistan, and had a nice chill evening, walking around, stargazing.

Friday was a beautiful day. Woke up, and cracked the texas. Drank that moderately, until the evening when shawn/nick/i came across some 'two see eye' which was absolutely mindblowing.
Found schentag, and walked around with him for a while until it was no longer possible to convey to other people what my mind was going through. Along this journey I lost many things, all to be found the next day.

Stage turned into... to describe it best... a electronic version of woodstock. The most vivid imaging. An envisioning of the stages of human evolution, and the small parts which combine together to limit or help progression. Transported back to the primordial earth, and witnessing the ingredients for life come together with that first electric shock, that first reproducible cell which is likely the father of all life on earth. Definitely an experience.

to quote jarod, 'timothy leary type shit.'

Also, frank has a broken finger and I a broken toe as a result of our match... video to be on youtube shortly.

Saturday was fairly relaxed. Much rum was consumed. Chilled with Serena and Renee, was nice to catch up with them. Found a telescope and had an amazing view of the stars. Truly a perfect night. Was able to find andromeda.

... almost lost the girls when colin and i started discussing the merging of galaxies, the little little dipper, orion, etc. Then we walked around the campground, met some people, chilled in the car for warmth (lol), and eventually we went to bed with the sun.

Sunday was plain stupid. Giggles and I had the bright idea of taking the texas around the entire grounds... it went OK except for the few camps that were not there for connect. Whoops. After luring frank back to our campsite, things went a bit hazy.. we ended up behind the chill tent, and did i ever get a tan. Woke up at 1 AM dressed in a random tent - explainable.

so i guess.. monday morning.. was dance time. Everyone was at main stage, which was great to see because i had the chance to talk to everyone . Talked to dennie about free flow (didn't go so well.).. donna about the past.. ashya and jen about the move... krista about how she's been... bianca was the only person i really didn't get to chat with but these things happen. she seemed happy. the guys also showed up, which was great to see but i also saw some things that i did not like to see. IMO there needs to be a segragation between party life and "real life". Found Ian, but lost him just as quickly.

ah.. and dawn but when she's ready for my advice she will ask, and that is fair. Met Gold, Rebecca, supermagic (hi!) , many others. Took a risk that did not pay off - my fault. all is well now.

Tackled rob a good half-dozen times over the course of the night, and captured some priceless video of notown dancing pantslessly. more rye, guys!

after daybreak, twas time to pack up.. after rob parlayed his usual tricks about. tipped disco's tent. it had to happen, really.

so....
> 10 pounds of water weight, gone.
Skin is about four shades darker than it was on thursday.
lots of acquaintances refreshed
Just listened to the new slayer album. Decent, but nothing amazing.

now to rest and prepare for shambhala, which will hopefully prove much more relaxing than connect did.

oy.

2006-07-11T10:12:34Z

HOW do these weekends keep one-upping themselves....

the premise (besides the insanely coincidental nostaligia?)
............
So Friday and Monday were taken off, and deservedly so.
the ex.. from eons ago.. is txting me letting me know she'll be in Langenburg this wknd.
Supposed to head from toon to burg on friday.
completely avoid her.
head to winnipeg that day, and spend friday getting acquainted with the city :lol:
spend saturday getting tattooed and then going out to a cougar bar with a bunch of my winnipeg friends
spend sunday lounging and preparing for the most amazing metal show that we have ever seen
and back on monday.

These plans take an abrupt turn to the worse when:
birthday boy decides he no longer wants to go. Either that, or he fought a battle with PMS and lost, because there is almost no reason i can think of to essentially *THROW AWAY* your prepurchased ticket, and all of our careful planning.

So friday I get home, and give the guys a call. Justin is unsure of what's up, Kramer is not home. Finally get ahold of Kramer that evening, at which point he says he is no longer driving and throws a total bitch-fit. Unbelievable, really. So it's down to Justin and I, and we decide to go over things in the morning as we're both fairly hammered.

Adams and I buy a forty, a twelve, and fill the cooler. Jump in the Alero. Grab our gloves, and off to slowpitch in a French colony where i used to kick it back in high school. Ah, the memoirs. We get there and

holy shit
here's kayla. didn't expect to see her all weekend, but my do plans change.

so we squeak out a win, and i give full kudos to the rum. I have broken my toe sliding into home - not half an hour after sliding, the entire toe is a shade of cookie monster purple. "but a flesh wound", i say, and we have a celebratory drive home. Get back to Lang, and shower up.. then off to the hometown bar for some wings and drinks.

Ten rum later, adams decides it's bedtime and heads off with the Alero.. and the remnants of our forty. Not so fast, Kayla and I say - and take off on foot to his house. We get there and the dude is KO'd. Right out. So we McGyver into the basement, and try to wake his ass up. Not happening. Eventually we find his keys, and grab our drinks. At some point is this escapade we have an actual conversation, as we'd hardly talked in the last four years.

Back to robertsons, where we polish everything off with a slightly hEalthy elixir. After the oil clears, i'm led upstairs and given a firm lecture on how i should never have been let go of all those years ago. Right out of left field.

So it happens. i can't believe it did, after all that's went on. but it did. to quote lundgren/baxter, she "really knew how to cut to the core of me."

So saturday is fairly uneventful - ceasars, vodka w/orange, suntanning, swimming, and frisbee. Well, beersbee. Great game. Played some shots and ladders with the:

3xmickeys of schnapps
26 of uphoria
26 of sour puss
40 of crown

- notching.

and watched sin city, before a night not unlike the last.

Sunday morning we woke early, and off to the farm for some reminiscing and talk. Soon after, said our goodbyes - and she mentions that she's going back to the Peg that day and we should feel free to stay over.
The factors that came together were mindboggling.

Justin and I head up to peg, and straight to the concert. The SLAYYYY-YER! chants have already begun, 15 minutes away from gate open. Such energy is impossible to put into words, and is so unique to Slayer's fanbase. We finally get in. Grab a tour t-shirt, head to our seat.

**********************************************************
Interesting shirts seen included nuclear assault, overkill, sonata arctica, and... slipknot. sigh.
Everyone was out and united!

As for the concert, thine eyes bleed and mastadon were as to be expected. Good, but simply an appetizer.

Children of Bodom
[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B000005ZDO.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

hit the stage, and were everything i had hoped for. Seven songs of the Finnish death that they helped pioneer. Hard to fathom, but they SPED UP some of their songs which are almost unplayable as is. Major props to these guys, as they continue to be in my top five.

Lamb of God was a breather.

[img]http://www.monstercable.com/famous/desktop_pics/slayer_1024x768.jpg[/img]
then slayer. my god. starting us off with south of heaven.. as usual.. then quickly breaking into silent scream. then they hit with fucking WAR ENSEMBLE. the energy in the pit was like nothing i've seen. ever. the GUITAR STACKS WERE INVERTED CROSSES. smoke machines. lights. araya. lombardo. hanneman. king. i've said it once and i'll say again, there is no match for the pure feel of that swirling pit. and at SLAYER? forget about it.

not long after ensemble finished ripping the crowd, araya started an anti-american war chant and began with their new track "cult", which hits at religion and war. one hell of a video that went along with it, as well. was interesting to see how many of slayer's tunes have political connotations, or moreso how the parlay it into their concert. later on came chemical warfare.. then REIGN IN BLOOD.. and they ended of course by hitting us with angel of death. it was over almost before i knew it began, but they played for an hour and a half.
[url=http://www.metalunderground.com/news/details.cfm?newsid=19699]setlist[/url]

the guys have not lost a single step. it's really impossible to put this experience into words. i can barely move my neck today. the SLAYYYEERR! SLAYERRR!! chants echoed in screams around the arena from before the concert started until after the band stopped. They have a fanbase like no other. i would fly anywhere, and will, to see these guys again.

So enough rambling about the concert, but it is the highlight of my year so far. Hard to imagine anything that can top the seething mass of energy that i still feel coursing through me over 24 hours later.
**********************************************************
After the concert, we headed to kaylas and grabbed a bite. I can barely walk at this point. Voice gone. Broken toe obliterated. Worth it.

We chill and have a late night.
Actually talk about things, something I don't get to do enough of with those i care - or have cared - about.
Showering rocks.
Say goodbye in the morning, with the acknowledgement that it'll be years before we meet again. Such a weird feeling, but there's been a lot of maturation since back then.

The eight hour drive back was split by a round of golf back home. Played well, i should be considering the men's open is in two weeks. Two-putted 1.. drove in the trees and took bogey on 2... was 4" from an ace on 3... drove 4 green but 3-putted.. LB on 5 [killed the round]... up and down on 6.... drove over 7 green and chipped close for bird... saved par on 8.. over the 9 green in two but screwed up my chip and settled for par. 37. Not good enough.

well thus concludes my choppiest entry of all time, but i could have written for hours. I know i missed alot - especially the lack of sleep/energy drink-induced hallucinations on the last leg of the drive - , but it's time for bed and i tried to type it down as fast as i could. 6 AM comes early.

In conclusion:

Life is absolutely amazing right now. Each day seems better and more full of life than the next. Young, healthy, successful, and most importantly as she put it - completely in-tune and satisfied with self.

..but I can't stand complacency, and it's going to be my downfall. Time to throw a wrench in the spokes, and see where I land.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-05-19T20:03:00

2006-05-20T02:07:45Z

Well I'm officially second-in-charge of a team of 22 Apple agents.

Scary thought, isn't it?

Promotion!

2006-05-20T02:06:55Z

Well I'm officially second-in-charge of a team of 22 Apple agents.

Scary thought, isn't it?

starforsaken19 @ 2006-04-02T22:56:00

2006-04-03T04:56:36Z

it could always be worse.

I am beginning to forget what it's like to have free time, with my days [weeks] being planned out in advance. only ambiguity in my day is if i'm too tired after 12+ hours of work to hit the gym or not. Feels like I'm denying myself something - but there's more to life than physical activity. Likewise, there is much more to life than the dollar. The more dollars, the more freedom unless we tie it into worldly posessions. Therein lies a dialectic i don't feel like addressing. Through this life-change as of late, perspectives and priorities shift. Making one wonder why at a point was this like that, like that like this. and will it ever be reverted. who's to know, we go with life's flow.

The mind is much more important to exercise. So many interesting topics to learn about. So much to do, so little time. I don't have as much time as my guitarists to dedicate to our band. I don't have enough energy some nights to hit the weights. I don't have enough money (yet) for the freedom that i foresee. i don't have any tiedowns, or any significant others.

i do have youth, health, a future, and way too many trains of thought.

aside: good for nick.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-04-02T12:41:00

2006-04-02T18:43:42Z

Sai Baba.
Don Juan. Castanada.

Quite the swing here lately. HD crashed last week, no big deal, it's just hardware. Paid from both jobs friday, received income tax back//paid out for laptop on saturday. Couldn't have been having a better day. My thoughts drift to karma/chi/whatever you want to call it. Something has to go wrong, doesn't it? Sure enough, it did.

Went to Universal Sound and saw josh the funky1 once agian. not really my style, but an awesome party nonetheless. saw steph again, went for a drive. at which point the car starts overheating. now, three is coolant yet the car seems to not be processing it throughout - not too sure. either way, another large repair bill is sure to be forthcoming.

was it just coincidence, or is there truly such thing as coincidence? this can relate quite easily to the placebo effect. simply by thinking something can happen, it does. the point of which we control this, on purpose or by accident, is the question we can't answer. Certain physicists are known to screw up experimental results simply by participating in them. Something is acting, causing the chaos. Something as of now immeasureable. Our subconscious mind plays a role in something as miniscule of the double-slit experiment.....so what's stopping it from playing a role in a grander event - in this case, my car breaking down.

If my thoughts had never strayed to a negative possibility, would this have not happened? The power of the mind is impossible for _our_ minds to grasp.

lol

2006-04-02T03:23:47Z

http://community.livejournal.com/saskatchewans/230891.html

'thread frozen'

didn't contribute? i informed that shaw boots people off their lines for excessive upload.
lol

time for some rAving.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-03-29T08:41:00

2006-03-29T14:44:38Z

Impact II was nothing short of amazing, again.
The best part of massives is the people you meet - how is it that at a party, a guy can meet 3-5 people he'd seriously consider dating (and grab their #'s, etc) - but only if it's out of province or at least city? I havn't met one female while partying in saskatoon that i felt a cx to.

Oh well, i'm moving soon anyway

also, the band rocks - we threw down gyrpscope in the last session, master of puppets nearing perfection, and fade to black w/ a few others are set. Now, for originals.

starforsaken19 @ 2006-03-07T15:40:00

2006-03-07T21:56:47Z

long time.

what's new?

0700-wake.
0710-shower.
0730-eat.
0800-work.-apple
1000-eat.
1015-work.-apple
1200-eat.
1215-work.-tech
1445-eat.
1500-work.-tech
1615-work.-apple
1745-eat.
1800-work.
2015-free!
2030-gym.
2200-eat, a lot.
2200-computer/tetris/read/movie
0145-eat, small.
0200-sleep.

yep, that's me.
now what to do and where to go , the possibilities are endless and i have zero tiedowns to anywhere. as it has always been.
weekends are carnagious as always.
up to 167 lbs.
banff was a blast.
new band is doing well, we have many metallica songs down (see: master of puppets); system of a down covers as well; and will start writing our own quite shortly.

current point of interest - the possible holographic nature of existence, holism, and MPD (different layers controlling consciousness) (how our brain cannot discern between what is physical reality and that which is imagined)

http://www.crystalinks.com/holographic.html
is making a lot of sense..

starforsaken19 @ 2006-01-02T19:04:00

2006-01-03T01:05:09Z

new years was awesome.

best party i've attended in a while.

2 hours of memory are gone, but from everything else i remember, what an awesometime.

starforsaken19 @ 2005-12-27T11:51:00

2005-12-27T17:52:42Z

hahaha, i got nothing for christmas :D

starforsaken19 @ 2005-11-24T01:31:00

2005-11-24T07:31:26Z

If I could sum up age 19 in a word it would be...
...
..
success.

November:
- first large scale party: impact.
- first time absolutely blitzed.
- started exercising, hard. among this and other things

December:
- Completed 3/4 semester.
- Totalled my first nice car.. taught me a good lesson.
- Started truly contemplating deeper meanings and ingrained religious philosophies.
- New years eve = the one year anniversary of my biggest heartbreak.
- SP5, one helluva road trip.

January:
- KSE, unearth, slipknot.
- alot of studying
- some calgary. that damn voice inside my head.

February:
- Rise, my introduction to the SK scene through everyone i'd slowly met over the years.
- Pangs started attacking me after subsiding for a while.
- Fallen. Dave beat me at chess.

March:
- lots of contemplation.
- wrote and passed a+.
- lashes/savage, what an awesome club night.
- wonderland, a great show.
- about 10 won nighters, 9 of which i wish wouldn't have been.

April:
- finished college w/ gpa 3.78. i did not deserve a 3.78.
- lust @ first sight.
- moved back to the sask... good riddance to medicine hat.

May:
- god my tech job
- moved into a new house with new people
- hit akbar in a carpet cleaning van. seriously.
- mystical, met kelly. see ya this wknd!

June:
- grad 2005 back in langenburg
- hell (shag hitting a cop in the eye with watergun)
- work and work.
- freq nasty (oy.)

July:
- canada day 2005
- refusal to let the past pull heartstrings.
- work and partying.
- kris out, reece in

August: month, ever.
- august long in lang, http://www.livejournal.com/users/starforsaken19/25358.html?mode=reply

-CONNECT X.
- hanging with Ian and Jess who both had a killer time due in no small part to pures
- hanging with renee, mike, serena, and sav - old high school friends
- hanging with shawn, erin, and kayla
- discussing important things at notown when i was blasted and couldn't discuss things well at all.
- giviing liam water and bodychecking him to the ground
- having a dagron vs. ?? animal-call war with the guy in the tree
- attacking the bush while playing frisbee
- meeting TONS of people - swift, toon, regina, bc, winnipeg.. but can't remember any names! ha!
- b.

-SHAMBHALA.
Ticket = $120
Car/Gas expense = $135
Recreational = $100
Food = $50
The experience, THE PEOPLE = surreal.
lysergic.

September:
- recovered from october.
- started lucid
- metropolis baby!~
- met a bunch of people again from high school, who had moved back up here

October:
- NFL. NHL. fuck, sports rule.
- too much outgoingness.
- scream 4
- tons of carnage with lundgren
- the shandra fiasco.

November:
- versus
- Colts/Red Wings obliterating all.
- f/t apple job, 65+ hour weeks.

& here we are!

i can honestly say 19 was the best year of my life. So many revelations, meetings, contemplations, realizations. Amazing how i could put the absolute shit of age 18 and it's suicidal thoughts completely out of my head [in no small part to natural [and some forced] endorphin rushes] with a few MINOR reoccurances. really learned how one has to act in reality, in accordance to the actions of others, so as to not be fucked over and *more importantly* let the fuckovers fuck with your head. Strength within, outside forces only make you weak. And one will survive and flourish.

where would i like to be in one year?

- jr. network admin, or back in school.
- 2006 eclipse with a custom computer wired in, full box.. www.mp3car.com
- playing live gigs with the band
- just a little bit more versed in the areas that i'm so damn interested in.
- 175 lb, squat 300, BP 225, DL 325
- IN A MUTUAL, FULFILLING, MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP.

bring it on, 20 .

starforsaken19 @ 2005-11-01T00:21:00

2005-11-01T06:22:36Z

been awhile.

how many people do i have to cheer up nowadays. seems like everyone, but me, is feeling like crap.
emotionally draining.

reply here if you don't want me to delete my livejournal account.

starforsaken19 @ 2005-09-21T01:37:00

2005-09-21T07:38:07Z

met a bunch of old friends from hazy, who live up here now. Actively pursuing one of them :)

nick moved up :)

things are looking decent, i eagerly anticipate the next pitfall..

starforsaken19 @ 2005-09-21T01:30:00

2005-09-21T07:37:10Z

for eclectic (a variation off my other blog) @ http://www.subtutious.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=20445

Three things that scare me:
1 multiverse
2 women with vendettas
3 reality tv

Three people who make me laugh:
1 jon stewart
2 will ferrell
3 atheists

Three Things I love:
1 endorphins
2 hallucinogens
3 myself

Three Things I hate:
1 tv
2 solitude
3 the impossibility of omniscience

Three things I don't understand:
1 the true beginning of everything
2 string theory
3 people.

Three things on my desk:
1 water
2 bracelets
3 phone#'s

Three things I'm doing right now:
1 typing
2 thinking
3 endorphin rushing

Three things I want to do before I die:
1 qlimax.
2 find love
3 find enlightenment, and formulate one final theory of creation

Three things I can do:
1 squat 205 lb
2 read
3 have sex with women, but only once per person :S

Three ways to describe my personality:
1 split.
2 relaxed
3 honest

Three things I can't do:
1 find love
2 quit thinking about physics
3 incline bench press with 75 lb. dumbbells

[A is for age:] 19
[B is for booze of choice:] Kokanee
[C is for career:] computer tech with theoretical physicist aspirations
[D is for your dad's name:] wayne-o
[E is for essential items to bring to a party:]open mind
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] 03-children_of_bodom-if_you_want_peace___prepare_for_war-DFC.mp3
[G is for favorite game[s]:] mind
[H is for hometown:] well i live in saskatoon. i like to answer omni
[I is for instruments you play:] drums, some piano/harmonica - brutal @ guitar
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] homemade
[K is for kids?] none that i know of
[L is for living arrangements:] live with an aussie and two preppy chicks.
[M is for mom's name:] loretta
[N is for name of your crush : ] Megan (better not be the same one mark, she's a little young for ya)
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] not that i remember
[P is for phobias:] aloneliness
[Q is for quotes you like:] the entire anchorman and family guy movies
[R is for relationship that lasted the longest:] .. 3 weeks ?
[S is for sexual preference:] striaghtest man in the history of earth =)
[T is for time you wake up:] Weekdays - 8:45am, Weekends - Whenever I feel like it.
[U is for underwear:] clean, white, sports boxers
[V is for vegetable you love:]potatoes!
[W is for worst habit:] overthinking
[X is for x-rays you've had:] 2?
[Y is for yummy food you make:] any and all of the cow in my freezer
[Z is for zodiac sign:] sagittarius baby

the carnage

2005-09-05T04:13:40Z

Friday, went out to Don's. Played beersbee, followed by the hour of power. Trashed.
- went to overdrive, got even worse. Decided to walk back, wreaking havoc on innocent street signs. Nick wakes up with a giant 4 meter poster in his room for a tattoo parlor. HA

Saturday, off to Edmonton with Henry, Tony, and Nick. Got to the city, went to the WestEd. Chilled there for a while, then found the girls and went back to their place. After they were ready, it was off to the massive where we were in line for about 1.8 hours. After getting in, I was awed about the sheer size of the place. There must have been 4000 people inside, but there was sooo much empty space. I liked the layout, but I am not the greatest fan of venues without elevation changes.

Sadly, I missed Kristoff - and didn't start feeling it until 1 AM with Marco V. Second from the front, center stage for his entire set; pleased to hear much of his Sensation set played. Blank and Jones were OK, but I took most of that time off to recooperate before Anne Savage. Met a bunch of people at this point, the most interesting being a girl named Heather - I'd say one of the most beautiful at the entire show. She was 21, but looked not a shade over 17. Had a nice talk with her about substances and the effect on society and persona. I just can't understand how the 14 year olds look 19 and vis-a-vis.

Anne Savage rocked the house, and I was in full flight center stage for 1.5 hours of the 2.
- she saw my shirt and laughed, then blew me a kiss
- she stole my pen
- she asked for a bracelet and took my 'acid' one
- she signed my shirt, and gave me a high-5.

too bad tony had disappeared with the camera, so I couldnt' get a picture. I have to take one of my signed shirt, as it's sure to wash off in the laundry..

Massives rule.

starforsaken19 @ 2005-09-02T12:06:00

2005-09-02T18:21:19Z

we did not buy a giant shark and cruise around waving it out of shotgun

we did not buy matching 'coach' bowling shirts
and polka dots

i did not get 'more cowbell'

what carnage

starforsaken19 @ 2005-08-23T00:21:00

2005-08-23T06:18:54Z

Last night, laid down around 2:30 AM. Next thing I knew I was flying about 10 feet off the ground, at hyperspeed, only noticing small pieces of my surroundings because of my blazing speed. Somehow, I was conscious throughout this and was able to move up and down. All of a sudden, a giant wall veered, and I willed myself awake.

TIME - 2:50 AM . uhh.....

Then I fell back asleep and had a rather fucked up dream about virtual reality. I can't remember the semantics, but I was being pumped full of numerous drugs. At one point, my ex-girlfriend started tickling my feet. Then I laughed, and woke up laughing.

How can one have a lucid dream without hitting REM state? I don't get it.
_________________

starforsaken19 @ 2005-08-18T23:19:00

2005-08-19T05:17:31Z

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet djlimbo?

2.~What would you do if you had never met stephiebond?

3.~What do you honestly think of dawnatello_?

4.~Would or did bepintine and bepintine go out?

5.~Have you ever liked viciousthorn?

6.~If fearmachine died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know?

7.~Would samirae and justthejill make a good couple?

8.~Describe unclemook in 3 words:

9.~Do you think bepintine is hot?

10.~Would fearmachine and bigorangedan make a lovely couple?

11.~What do you think of when you see bepintine?

12.~Tell me something humiliating about justthejill:

13.~Do you know any of mamakaya's family members?

14.~What's bepintine's favorite color?

15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is bepintine?

16.~What would you do if kitty_kat01 just professed their undying love for you?

17.~What language does bepintine speak?

18.~Who is greg_berzerk going out with?

19.~Is xheartxofxicex a boy or a girl?

20.~Would bepintine and kitty_kat01 make a good couple?

21.~Who do you think areknrg would be great with from this list?

22.~When was the last time you talked to bepintine?

23.~What is viciousthorn's favorite band?

24.~Does samirae have any siblings?

25.~Would you ever date mamakaya?

26.~Would you ever date unclemook?

27.~Is areknrg single?

28.~What is bepintine's last name?

29.~What is bepintine's middle name?

30~What is dawnatello_'s fantasy?

31.~Where does xheartxofxicex live?

32.~Would you make out with djlimbo?

33.~Are stephiebond and mamakaya best friends?

34.~Does unclemook like bepintine?

35.~How did you meet bepintine?

36.~Is bepintine older than you?

37.~Is bigorangedan the sexiest person alive? interweb

starforsaken19 @ 2005-08-18T23:12:00

2005-08-19T05:10:40Z

Shambhala.~paradise.

We left right after i got off work on wednesday, and pulled into lethbridge that night in our rented yukon. Caused a disturbance at the local boston pizza. Railed some salt. Oy.

Were on the road by noon on Thurs, pulled into the ranch at dark. The line took four hours to get in, but this was easily deterred by moments of car-counting, frisbee, and ridiculous ramblings. We got in, found a drunkard stumbling around with a wine bag, drank, were merry, and passed out.

Friday began beautifully, with sun and laughter.
Friday deteriorated rapidly, with incessant rain and a flooded site/tent.
Friday was Phoenixed with my nature skills, and later a dablle into mushrooms. Found the goulet crew, stumbled around, and laughed for four hours straight. The best music was this night.. Ed Rush and Optical, as well as Aphrodite. Not gonna lie, I creamed my pants.

Spent the night in a very, very comfortable tent.

Saturday was also amazing, lounged all day with the homeboys. Chilled with Dave and the two girls afterwards, dropped some acid for the first time. Didn't realize it had hit me until i was walking across the grounds with a burrito, unable to stand without slanting. Once i sat, i DEFINITELY couldn't eat. The night turned into me losing them, and wandering alone for six hours staring at the sky. Intricate scenes were dancing throughout my head, and what i saw was truly impossible to put into words on the internet.

Sunday was a chill day, met the goulets again and went to the third beach. Nighttime was time to chill and really bask in the entire experience. Packed up on Monday and got back into town at 8:30 in the morning, having to work at 10.

Ticket = $120
Car/Gas expense = $135
Recreational drugs = $50
Food = $50

The experience = surreal.

August long

2005-08-04T07:01:13Z

Went back home for august long, and boy was it painful.

Jonny picked me up after work, and I drove the 4 hour trip. Slight 'boozin' . Got back and promptly changed into my party clothes and went to the cabaret, where we found everyone. Drank excessive shotguns, got dropped on my face in a "play"fight, woke up the next morning in a random bed.

Fair enough

Spent the next day playing beersbee with the entire Lang crew. 3 of us polished a 24 in a little over 2 hours, so we were a little tipsy. There was a full out cabaret that night; debauchery was afoot - saw my old babysitter at the thing, she is 33 now and looks perhaps 25. Smoking hot. After the thing ended, we stumbled to a house party where Don and I promptly chugged a 26 of strawberry-twist vodka. This was followed by a saunter over to the LOCAL BAKERY where we ate breakfast at 5:30 AM:

AKA: the most carnage ever unleashed on langenburg.

I drank a concoction of peanut butter, pepper, water, and egg yolk. People were throwing toast. There was milk EVERYWHERE. We left the waitress a $20 tip but she surely deserved more. Greatest time ever.

I woke up on Adams' couch with a wicked hangover, 2 quick beers cleared that up. Went to Lefty's, said bye to Kayla, hit the water bong, played Tetris and Dr. Mario. Slowpitch and moderate drinking all day, culmination in "MOOSE" and beersbee that night. Slept that evening. Reminder, call Nicole (number carved into my flesh - seriously, she wrote that hard).

Kayla and Robyn were down, but they both disgust me with their lack(S) of morals. People don't respect loose women, end of story.

This is going to be the craziest three weeks ever -